Singletons in Waiting

At the time I first wrote this, I had no idea that in four months I would meet the man I would marry.  This month, we celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. Bliss only begins to describe the feelings. I waited and longed for this day well into my 30's. I watched most of my friends get married before me. I was a bridesmaid 8 times, and never a bride...until last year. And I came across these writings and thought, how do I post this now? Isn’t hope more powerful in darkness?  Have I lost my ability to speak into this area since my season has shifted?  I don’t think so.  Because, hope fulfilled is no longer hope, it’s actualized into fruit - with seed that must be sown again. There is so much more to say about this now. My desire in sharing this, is that even one person could be set free of “delay depression” or “distracted disorder” and see things in a new light - to find hope and share it.  

A lot can change in one year. And in my case, a LOT can change in four months. I've edited this blog some between the initial draft and now. It was a LOT more bitter before,  but I was intentional not to remove all bitterness over this topic. Real and honest pain is sometimes more comforting to others than an easy success story.  We all are in process. Pain has a purpose. So I've chosen to share it openly and honestly and incredibly rawly in this post. Nothing shared is meant to point fingers at anyone, but hopefully connect with hearts that feel or felt the same and shed some light on things unnoticed. This isn’t everyone’s story but this is my story.  These were my feelings, for better or worse, that no one else seemed to talk or write about.
~~~
I've heard it said in many different ways -  but each variant of, 'be glad you're single,' is a deeply rooted misnomer disguising itself as encouragement to enjoy one's present season.  I can accept and I do accept the advice to fully live and thrive in what is before me.  And while I strive to stop comparing my life to my friends who are married and making babies something must be said for the awful lies that Singletons are misrepresented by and misrepresenting themselves by.  

Prior to pulling out the big guns and going deep - before Singletons think this is an attack on Marrieds and they get to coast on a stream of 'heck yea' - let me simply state that singleness does NOT mean helplessness and it certainly doesn't mean second class, second picked or whatever lowly view one chooses to fixate. Because it IS a choice what you choose to focus on. This applies to Marrieds and Singles alike, so let's open our eyes and go for a walk outside. 

Destiny. Purpose. Identity. Desire.

Powerful words. In-and-of themselves  they invoke depth and emotion and thought. Much thought. Depending on your worldview you experience these words very differently. The same is true of your relationship status. I wish I were lying but unfortunately Singletons see these words very differently. Sometimes in hope or dispair.

I've been told in the past that my blogs aren't personal enough. Well, here goes nothing. Being a single adult was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.  Some would shoot me for this blog (because they're perfectly happy - to them I tip my hat), but to others, the pain is real.  There I said it.  It didn’t help that those years for me included a broken engagement.  No one talks about it and families don't seem to notice those young professional Singletons who live far from home. Everyday I mustered up the discipline and resolve to declare my worth alone but it was hard when no one seemed to affirm it on a personal or intimate level. Friends were busy. Families had families. Some days only my Mom checked on me. And despite Southern rumors I never met my neighbors those 2 years in Georgia. I'm not trying to sound pathetic but this was my reality as a single adult that didn’t live near home. I’ll get back to the topic of declaring self worth later.

The concept of home was confusing. Was my empty apartment a home? Was it my home? It was hard not being in a position to have my own family while living away from my parents and siblings.  I couldn’t help but think of my amazing parents, who lived many states away (no fault of theirs but I followed the career thing). My parents seem to adopt everyone they meet. It used to bother me... ‘hey you have your own kids you know’? They invite their single friends over for dinner and especially Thanksgiving when folks don't have other places to go. In fact, the idea that my married parents have single friends might shock some. When I graduated from college and moved away and discovered no one invited me to dinner or sought to 'adopt' that 22 year old, I was discouraged. I thought community would support me until I could have my own family. Later in my 20's there were times and moments of community support but I was pretty isolated. 

To make matters worse I honestly didn’t find much solace from Jesus in this area. He was pretty quiet and the Bible only talks about caring for the widows and orphans but what about Singletons? Surely God isn't also leaving them out is He? I mean most of society doesn't know what to do with them - is that what the Bible's silence in this area means too? Are Singletons nameless, faceless wanderers destined to be good at a profession or reach diamond, platinum or gold traveling status? I could keep going. The questions were tormenting. And since no one talks about it being hard and no one admits how often they cry themselves to sleep wondering what is wrong with them and if their Boaz will ever come and THE WORD OF GOD is silent about Singletons, well then, of course they are crazy and alone for it. 

Many times settling looked attractive. There I said it. Sometimes enough time has passed since your last date or your last glance that you're ready to hit up the bars just to turn a few heads to remind yourself you've still got it. But then you realize the quality of this attention to prove to yourself you're desirable isn't actually upping your value at all. Trashy experiences do not result in royal romance.

I make no attack on the Bible or its completeness for our lives. Then why is it silent about singles? Because, context and culture are essential. In biblical times children did not leave home until they were married. That alone would change a huge aspect of how single adults feel. No I don’t regret the choices I made to move away from home. Though it might have been wise to go back, who knows!? Our fathers offer a covering that is crucial. And mother’s offer an encouragement and nurture that is essential. I'm not attacking our modern culture but I'm pointing out why the Bible doesn't show examples of grown singles crying their eyes out about their identity, purpose, destiny and unmet desires. We do see Hannah who does just that about barrenness. And truly it is exactly what we go through. We feel left out and mocked by the Peninnah’s (See 1 Samuel 1) or the Hagar's (See Genesis 16) in life and therefore feel completely inadequate, let alone desirable.

The more recent mental aerobics I had in this area were about destiny and purpose. I felt like I hit a wall and I couldn't do anything more in my life without my husband. I really believed my purpose was wrapped into that of my husbands so I felt stuck and useless without "wife" status. And if I'm being honest isn't it like a status these days? The truth however is that purpose is not wrapped into marriage but destiny is. I believe there are things I'm called to accomplish that I won't without my husband. And, I believe there are things I was meant to do before he came (like maybe I should have finished this and posted this beforehand). I chuckle slightly that I felt so stuck in my purpose and then God opened a door for me as a Singleton to move and travel the world and write and hold an incredible job that I enjoy. I am truly thankful for the time and experiences I had.

I used to honestly feel like the only thing left for me would be leftovers. I have a 'lovely' relative who won't be named that actually told me 'at my age' all that will be left for me are divorcees and I better snatch a man before more of those veins show up on my legs. Yeah, he's a gem - God bless him. But it hurt and cut so deeply because it screamed out loud that which I feared.  That's not to put down divorcees at all. But it was a lie that God doesn't have the BEST saved for me. I was on the phone with my best friend talking about all of this and she said, "you're not leftovers and neither is he (your future husband). You are a fully developed woman who will be matched with a fully developed man." Queue water works. Wow,  what a thought!

I have a personal promise that I hold onto; the best is yet to come. Things don't always look good now but they will Singletons. Marrieds, you might not sleep much and not because of great sex but because of what great sex created; and you might not be able to afford plane tickets for four but better is coming. There are gems in times of want and times of feast. The Best is yet to come. "What does that actually mean? Well I looked up ‘Best’ and it means, ‘that which is most excellent, most desirable, unrivaled, unsurpassed, unparalleled, matchless, incomparable, ideal, and perfect’ is coming for you!”  Thank God for dear friends who wrote me notes like these when I didn't have sweet notes from anyone else...except my wonderful Mother...  

We weren't made to be alone. I don't care what Paul said in the New Testament. If singleness were our gift then Genesis would be a lie. There are those who devote themselves to being single because they feel called. I won't argue. But, if you choose singleness because you've given up hope and believe that delay is rejection then I want to shake you awake because desire and hope are alive and real and delay is divine preparation not rejection. There is no age threshold to marriage. Sarah said 'should I be allowed this pleasure now that I'm old?' & God was like 'heaven yes!!' And she finally got pregnant and she did enjoy it and her son Isaac restored her youth through laughter.  Don't give up Singletons. And don't forget Marrieds. Regardless of where you are, we all struggle with comparison, cultivating community, and still waiting on hopes deferred. 

And Singles, just because some of our friends didn't experience as long as a wait as we did doesn't make them jerks or insensitive. Talk to them and let them help you keep your dreams alive. Fires need to be kindled and breathed upon. 

And distractions, don't even get me started. Too late. It's not true that Singles have a carefree life. I mean maybe they have some perks like travel and sleep but it's a lie that Singletons have it easy or carefree. Yes it's true Singleton’s don't have spouses to consider or worry about. But  it was a regular battle for me in the area of identity. I'll get back to Marrieds on this in a moment. But think about it. In high school we're a little too young for anything other than social status. If we don't meet someone in college which is the prime marriage pool it seems...if I do say so myself (same intellectual and social and spiritual interests) there is grace in our 20's but into our 30's we're either too picky or there is something wrong with us right? That is the thinking anyway. Why don't I meet anyone like they show on TV? Why don't people approach me? Should I go online? Do I need to lose weight? I want to do this thing but going alone is kinda pathetic. ..and what if (like me) you move across the country for your job?  You have to work the social scene to make friends let alone find someone to hang out with on a Saturday night. Being a single adult is distracting.

But identity isn't a matter that is magically figured out in marriage. Spouses don't complete each other they compliment each other. If you're bored or lonely single you'll probably be bored and lonely in marriage. I've stood beside many dear friends as they've pledged their wedding vows and I've seen and heard much by keeping up with them still. And now I know for myself. Even though marriage is wonderful, marriage is not magical, it's hard work and sometimes it's thankless work, but it's always worth it and fun in the end. And isn't singleness the same really? I mean totally different but yet the same.  It's hard work to encourage yourself in life when others can't in a season. But it's worth it and can even be fun!

Don't get me wrong...being a single adult is hard. If you are one you know what I mean and I hope you find comfort knowing I understand because I was there. If you're not one let this be an awakening to some potentially hurting people around you. Especially single parents - my heart goes out to you.  No matter what season we are in it's a challenge to be simply satisfied and fully present. We all look around and look back and look forward. I'm simply saying, it's ok for things to be hard. But let's try to be a community that embraces each other the best way we can. Let's be honest with our hurts and needs but always keep our love on. That season was hard but the best was yet to come. I couldn’t let hope die on my watch. I might give in to impatience at times but I won't give in to defeat.

I am so thankful for the amazing friends God put in my life who talked me through many painful nights wondering how long the wait would be. They let me be me and I let them be them. Singletons may struggle with the waiting but marriage is not magic challenge killer. One of the most important things I've learned when I was a single adult in my 30's is that it's ok to admit when things are hard but it's imperative to be able to take our eyes off ourselves so we can celebrate with those that celebrate;  because, what we celebrate God will multiply!

This blog may have started albeit bitterly in an attempt to encourage singles and communicate some needs of an unmentioned people group, but God turned it around and had me post it when I could share my hope fulfilled. I’m happily married to a wonderful man who encourages me and compliments my strengths, all while loving me through my weaknesses. He is most certainly not leftover -  he was being saved for me.  He is the kindest and strongest person I know.  He was truly worth the wait!

So, Singletons please know there are some wonderful treasures in being single, but if we don’t mine them, we’ll have to try again in marriage, and that can be even more painful with two hearts on the line. If you haven’t found your identity in Christ and learned to affirm yourself in your identity before you get married, you’ll put a lot of unfair and unhealthy weights on your spouse. Spouses aren’t meant to replace God, they are meant to point us to the Divine One through intimacy. If you haven’t figured out how to cultivate community in your single years you will find the same struggles in marriage. Your spouse is not your social gateway drug.  I’m thankful for the extra time I had to grow in these areas and be a whole person when I got married. Though, I still struggle with waiting from time to time;-)

And Marrieds, please be careful that you’re not holding back the joys of your marriage.  There are some that only portray a ‘ball and chain’ sort of marriage, which doesn’t make it seem very attractive. We all know any relationship can have its challenges, but there are wonderful benefits to marriage that aren’t always that obvious - why not share those to encourage hope? Downplaying marriage doesn’t make the waiting of Singletons any easier. For the joy set before me...   

I originally wrote this almost 3 years ago. To be honest, I wish I had posted it back then. To say, “I found love in a hopeless place” is an understatement. But somehow it feels important that I got this message out there now because hope deferred makes the heart sick but a promise fulfilled is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12).   The waiting was the worst. But I promise, rather He promises, it is always worth it!

Crazy or Courageous?

Sometimes it's the moments you feel really crazy that you're actually on the brink of courageous breakthrough. After all, fear and discernment often share the same coin albeit opposite sides.  Wisdom and faith sometimes disagree. How do you navigate when what you know and see don't align? This is a tough place to be. I set out on an uncertain journey with just bread crumbs of peace to follow. One day the bread crumbs stopped and it felt like I was in a wooded forest without a compass or a guide. What was I to do? I could keep moving forward or I could turn back. I felt crazy for getting myself on this trail but full of hope it was leading somewhere.  As I'm writing I am reminded of a time in college I decided to go on an evening hike with my boyfriend. It was October in upstate New York so it was pretty cold.  We went on a trail that wrapped around a lake. It was beautiful but it was stupid.  The sun would be setting soon and we didn't bring a flashlight or a phone. We bickered a bit about unimportant things as we hiked further on until we realized the sun was quickly setting and we needed to make a decision...keep going or turn back? We reasoned that we couldn't have been far enough into the hike so turning back would get us out of the woods quicker. Well the sun set and we could no longer see the trail...at all! There was a bit of light off the water from the moon's reflection but the problem was that the trail didn't stay along the waters edge. If we wanted to see anything we had to go off the trail. It was the craziest experience. We held hands with one hand and put a hand in front of our faces with the other because we were literally walking through brush and tree branches and without our hand shields we got pelted in the face with all sorts of things.  It was really uncomfortable. I was scared. I rolled my ankle badly and seriously regretted the decision to hike this late in the day. We finally made it out of the woods and found our way to the car. We were covered in mud and twigs and we were freezing but we made it out alive. I secretly felt like it was God putting us in the situation to make us work as a team...a trust exercise. And boy did it work. I'm starting to think that the journey of desire is another trust exercise in life.

There is a danger with desire in believing it will complete you. If I only had this. If I only lived there. If I only made this much. Satisfaction and completion are very different things. The former is temporary, the latter eternal. Not to mention nothing is really permanent so completion isn't something that can be acquired. It's dangerous to live in false reality even if the perceived truth is pleasant. Comfort isn't the real goal, truth is; yet we settle for comfortable thoughts and comfortable dreams and wonder why we're stuck in life. When we hope against hope that something we desire will come into our lives we have to understand that desire fulfilled can bring satisfaction but never completion. Satisfaction is inherently temporal. Life is dynamic not static. We're human, we're complex, we change our minds on a whim, and we create expectations like fantasies that reality has a hard time living up to. If we're not careful we can become perpetually dissatisfied. 
 

It's crazy to live a life that accommodates unsatisfied desire. Until I marry the man of my dreams I can't live there. Unless I make this much money a year I won't change jobs.  Until I publish a book I'm nobody. When we live a life of passive patience, waiting in silence, or fear, we accommodate unmet desire. We limit our lives and say until I get what I want, I won't live. That is basically what people do when they take a victim position in patience. They stop living life to the fullest because they are preoccupied with what they don't have yet.  A person who actively waits, keeps dreaming while enjoying the life they have today.

I've seen busy people miss the point though. I am often that person unfortunately. If we're not careful we fill our days with social engagements and checking things off our to do lists just so we ignore our unmet desire. This isn't active patience. It's a formula for burnout. Our hearts need to feel desire to be truly alive. We need connection and we need rest or we won't thrive. Rest is uncomfortable but if you can't enjoy rest in the season you're in I'd argue you can't enjoy your life. Don't busy yourself just to ignore your heart.

It's courageous to acknowledge unsatisfied desire. Goals and dreams must start somewhere and they usually start in lack...you don't have it yet. But a courageous person finds joy in today and can live in satisfaction daily while they wait and long for their unmet desire. It's crazy to remain sad when there is so much to be thankful for. It's courageous to believe in timing and that plans are being worked out even as we speak. It's courageous to wait and reflect on all the blessings this extra time gives you. It's bold to face disappointment and laugh at it. This wasn't the outcome I wanted, but there is a better outcome ahead. Maybe I don't always know what is best for myself but I can trust that I made it this far and I can make it even further.

Bad partnerships form out of impatience and ignorance. If you're climbing a mountain the last thing you want is someone foolish or immature with you. (And, no I'm not saying my college boyfriend was a fool. He got us out safely). Maybe this sounds harsh....like picking teams in gym class. But, some mountains are a matter of life and death. When it's all on, the associations you have, the people in your inner circle, the business partners you make matter more than you know. They will push you higher or they will pull you down. Or, worst case, they will chain you to your present level forever.  Maybe it's just me. I've always felt a bit of a nomad. I can't shake the intense feeling of adventure like my life is meant to climb.  It doesn't matter if anyone knows my name or face but I can't stay chained. I can't sacrifice my soul on the alter of mediocre.  I'm pressing on.

It's been a sobering wake up call to realize the things I want most in life will not complete me and won't even satisfy me very long. There is a deeper issue. Why do I think I am missing something (or incomplete) without this desire? What isn't healed in my heart that needs this 'thing' to justify my existence, position, reputation, identity? Sorting this out frees me to truly appreciate satisfied desire! I believe in divine delay.  It has allowed me time to find wholeness from the right Source...in a way that lasts.  So, when it's time for desire to be fulfilled it will be a tree of life not just the knowledge of good and evil.

It's fun having time to reflect and enjoy today. I don't feel crazy anymore. It was courage to move across the country for a job. It was courage to give love a chance. It was also courage to recognize a necessary ending. It'd be crazy not to live each day to the fullest.

All I know is that sometimes we find ourselves in situations and we have to keep moving forward even when we can't see. That night in college it would have been crazy to quit and it demanded courage I wasn't planning on to continue. Should we have made better choices? Maybe. But we got into a situation that forced us to learn and grow. In my recent life journey I too felt like I couldn't see and was surrounded on all sides by darkness. I literally felt crazy to keep walking in the dark. I knew what all my friends wanted to tell me.  But I also knew my heart was on a pilgrimage that it needed to keep pressing forward. So I did. It was really confusing and difficult most of the time. But I kept going. And then, like that crazy night hike in college, there was a clearing and I could see. I could see so clearly it was almost blinding. I was able to see where I was and that I wasn't yet where I wanted to be but I was closer. I could see I needed to shed a large bag however if I was going to climb higher. So I had a choice to make. Did I keep carrying this bag that had the potential of satisfying desire? If I did I couldn't climb though.  It was too heavy. Or did I put the bag down and free my hands and energy to climb? Which decision was crazy? Which, courageous?  I believe it takes crazy courage to let go of something good for something better. It takes crazy courage to walk away from something certain for the great unknown, especially alone. But I have to climb higher. Call me crazy, but I know it's courage:)

Death By Desire

When did it become unacceptable to express emotion?  Somewhere along the way it was decided it's ok for children but not for adults. Am I wrong? We slip women medicine to regulate their hormones and manipulate men to believe that feelings aren't masculine. We accept silence or passionless lives because we think that's normal.  Feelings just aren't appropriate.  Comunication just isn't worth it.  And if you get to a point where you actually have to cry, well something is wrong.

I caught the bug. I've been convinced it's not ok to cry; it's not ok to feel immensely.  It's embarassing. It's weak. It's awkward.  There's no time or space.  I find myself apologizing for my feelings when I can't actually hide them anymore. Or, if I choose to reveal them I hide afterwards afraid of how I'm received... Our poor hearts just need to express themselves. I'm not opting for reckless behavior but this emotional embargo needs to end.

I read that a day would come when the hearts of most would grow cold and I'm sad to say I see it's true. Could it be from this assault on emotion? I mean if you kill passion you kill heart. They say it's a very similar emotion the passion of love and the passion of hate; the emotion of love and emotion of hate. Both invoke immense feeling.  A cold heart can't hate...but even worse it cannot love. Yet some things deserve our backs just as some deserve our hearts.

Our choices can become our worst enemy.  We choose to stifle our feelings through the lie of adulthood. We say composure is proper and feelings are foolish. But what about our choices? We forget that we chose to self-medicate those feelings away or to ignore the whispers of our heart through distractions of life.  Did we forget we can actually choose emotion? But why would someone do that? Aren't feelings foolish?  What if the choice is to love?  What if the choice is to feel joy? Surely if we can control what we feel and when we feel, we can choose to love.  No?  Emotion is not merely reaction to circumstances. I fear the more we violate the purpose and free-will of emotion the further we get from our true heart. The coldness ensues. 

When I was a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. Adult life seemed so interesting AND adults got to make their own decisions and be in control of their lives.  From an early age power was highly desirable to me. Any kid who felt powerless or bored would relate. I couldn't wait to have control over my own life;  to make my own decisions.  But adulthood brought a whole new challenge to my disappointment: what to do with unsatisfied desire. Now you're in control so what do you control? And what about the things you can't or shouldn't control...like love? Like emotion?  Like feelings?

What's worse; to want something you cannot have or to pretend you don't want it at all? I'm starting to see that denying our heart the dignity of desire is quite harmful. You might be able to hide it from yourself  but your heart will speak, your emotion will reveal it.

Expression is important.  Dignity is often abused. We tie ourselves up and throw away the key, believing this is what adults do. Control is a slippery slope. Art therapy isn't the only industry that's booming these days. As long as connection and intimacy and emotion remain an all time low the counseling profession will continue to be in need. I wonder if in session patients cry?

Why do we hide our hearts? Desire much like emotion can be too much to bare. Ironically it's in the feeling that we release that heavy load. It's in the dignity of desire that we truly live. I mean what is life without passion? Do we desire nothing because we can't handle delay? Do we feel nothing because it might hurt? Do we keep our mouth shut because we're afraid to fight for intimacy through communication?  What if the process of wanting produces more than the having? If we always got what we wanted quickly would we actually value it?

Desire is meant to kill us. The waiting, the longing, the divine delays. We either mature through the process of relinquishing control or we harden. Desire is a better death than chocolate.  If I can't feel the pain, can I experience the ecstacy? Our emotional bankruptcy causes drugs to rise and hearts to fall. We need desire. We need the courage to care deeply. The process of desire is meant to mature us.  My favorite quote is this..."If our hopes aren't being satisfied just yet it means they are being purified".  

The process of analysis is a beautiful thing to an observant mind. But to analyze, to understand, to learn and grow is great as long as you're not constantly judging what is seen. I've been stuck in this place awhile. Even in my emotion or desire. It 'should' be this way. It shouldn't be that. This is the dilemma of the impatient heart.

We must not forget that emotions can lie. They still need to be felt and processed though.   I'm not a fan of emotion filters but I am a fan of emotion management.  We are triune beings with a body, soul, and spirit.  We operate in layers all the time as we should. If only our body or only our soul or ONLY our spirit ran the show we'd be in trouble.  Our emotions can't drive our cars but they can't be captives in our trunk either. Our mind and our will have to work with our emotions if possible.  Even dark or deceptive emotions must be seen and felt. But you don't have to agree with everything you feel.  Maturity means you can feel emotion and you can communicate them and you can move forward. But, emotions are not facts. Even so, we must experience them to regain our hearts. Don't be so afraid to cry; to feel and to release. Our tears fertilize the soil of our hearts and tender hearts can love and be loved.

Unsatisfied desire can be one of the worst pains ever. Add ten years to it and life gets...complicated. I get the temptation to ignore or settle. But the pain is heavily linked to timing. We want what we want and we want it now. I recently discovered that the formula for dispair is to try to put a timeline on what you cannot control.  Desire is good. I have to believe it will be worth it. Just as children learn the discipline of patience so must adults. It's called delayed gratification. To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven. Even if it's not my timing. I must do what I can to keep my heart alive in the waiting. Jim Elliot said it so well, "Let not our longing slay the appetite for our living".

Desire is an invitation to partner with hope. It is meant to be protected not shunned.  We cut loose the wrong areas and restrict the right ones. We reject the good and embrace the bad. Delay forces maturity. Folly divorces wisdom.  But the heart must be expressed.  Silence is more often cowardly than wisdom.

Portal of Promise

I was talking with an old friend and he showed me a caterpillar on his car.  I blurted out, “You should totally keep that caterpillar and see what kind of butterfly it becomes!”  Wow, that sounded profound I thought in hindsight.  A prophetic slip maybe? He grabbed a leaf and safely rescued the caterpillar from his car to the ground as he said,  “He wouldn’t have done too well riding atop my car...it takes wings to fly.”  There’s something about the life cycle of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly that amazes me!  It goes from an ugly, weird creature into a gorgeous, flying butterfly! Not only does it physically transform, its abilities and purposes change too!   But, there's a season that feels like death which is necessary before new life can begin. 

If your faith feels theoretical - you’ve seen movement, breakthrough and favor in the lives around you; power, provision, purpose outside your sphere of impact - hang on, the portal of promise hasn’t had it’s way with you yet. Don’t drink the poison of comparison because nothing profound was ever a duplicate; nothing amazing was ever replicated and nothing important was ever second hand.  

I’ve been challenged lately...can I believe God for the best?  THE BEST!? My experiences have been heartache, disappointment, loud silence, rejection, loneliness and discouragement.  Honestly those of us who made our own plans for our lives understand this.  Rarely do things go the way WE want them to.  But the truth is we know least what is best for us...In the midst of these intense emotions and strange seasons I’ve been given an invitation to desire, to dream, and to trust God’s heart over my offenses.  This is not easy.  It’s really hard to believe for what we’ve never seen. It’s tempting to look around and believe you’ve missed the boat, been left behind, or on perpetual hold with heaven.  Dramatic much?  This is what despair and discouragement does if we’re not careful. 

The rubber meets the road when you start having faith for your own life and not just your friends. I can cheer and encourage my friends like a pro...and I mean it!   I’m finally aware that one of the gifts I carry is encouragement...which means one of my biggest personal struggles is discouragement.  I’ve also finally learned that people have different gifts which means I must learn how to encourage myself and find strength in the Lord (btw “Strengthen Yourself in the Lord by Bill Johnson is gold).  I like to think I’m a good friend...when I’m not distracted by my own stuff, haha.  Hey, no one is perfect but God.   But can I be a good friend to myself?  Can I speak words of life and have faith for my future?  Not usually.  I’m not saying we’re meant to be Islands, but the real breakthrough takes place when we can speak wisdom to our own emotions, when we can declare with faith that the best is yet to come even if our heart isn’t sure.  When you step into the portal of promise, your words of faith begin to envelope you until you see what you say, and see what you desire; the face of God and the vision you require to live and breathe... and live;-)

Will you dare to believe God for the best?  Declare it.  Own it. Take it.  It feels crazy to be certain of what I do not see (Hebrews 11:1). Especially for someone like me who isn’t very imaginative. The whirlwind that takes place in the Portal of Promise seems like confusion, and often feels like being blindfolded. It DEFINITELY feels like being out of control.  But the byproduct is faith which produces vision and births hope.  Labor isn’t easy or painless though.  Just beware that not all pain is bad.  In fact it is worth it, because it will birth life!  We don’t have to be physically pregnant to have life inside us; life that longs to come out!   

Hold on and let go.  Hold onto your faith and let go of your offense. Step into the portal of promise. The same words spoken over your life that created you in your mother’s womb (not so far fetched since creation was made at the sound of God’s voice) are the same words that produce the breakthrough you need.  God’s word doesn’t return void (Isaiah 55:11) so why would ours?  If we speak negative things over ourselves we best believe that is what we'll get...the opposite is VERY true too!  Patience is only powerful when desire is maintained, hope renewed, and declarations of promises owned.  How do you jump into the portal?  Start by wanting God more than you want that thing or that breakthrough.  Then trust him for his perfect plan and timing. Thank him for divine delays and declare the best is yet to come as many times as you need to start believing it in your heart.  Repeat as necessary! 

Our lives aren’t too different from a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.  Their cocoon is our portal of promise. I believe the cocoon season entails a lot of laying down and surrendering...but it definitely does not mean defeat.  It’s a temporary season that is critical for new life!  I wonder what the caterpillar thinks about in this time or even in preparation.  Is it aware of what it will become?  Does it desperately hope it will be true for itself too?  Or is the caterpillar just like, ‘goodnight, see ya when I’m a new creation!’? ;-) In the case of this caterpillar on my friends car...it was going to turn into a beautiful butterfly regardless if we got to see it happen.  I wanted to hang onto it.  However, it’s in the letting go, and allowing the natural course of God’s divine plan to take hold of me that transformation, true freedom, and powerful promises are fulfilled. 

What's in a Name?

"Tell me why you call him Jesus and I'll tell you why I call him Yeshua," is the gist of how our conversation went. I was intrigued to say the least.

We were in the kitchen, cleaning up after a successful and fun Passover Seder amongst friends. I've always enjoyed sharing Passover with my friends regardless of their faith or heritage.  It's my favorite holiday and it's meant to be shared;)

"Yeshua is a character in my book." I looked up from the sink to see if I heard her correctly. "Really!?" I asked, honestly shocked.  She nodded with delight. "That's awesome. I like that you called him Yeshua instead of Jesus, but why did you do that?" I don't mean to belabor my surprise but come on... it's not every day that a Jew hears her southern belle agnostic friend refer to Yeshua. Don't all Americans say Jesus? Don't all English speakers say Jesus?

She smirked, "Write me a paragraph why you like that I called him Yeshua and I'll write you a paragraph explaining why."

Authors!

Although she hasn't been subtle in her hints or nudges that I should write more. Well, I guess I haven't had a ton of motivation lately...until now.

What's in a name? Oh my word, so much!! Where to begin?

First,  and probably most obvious,  identity is in a name. It's how the world identifies you; like an address of your soul. For centuries a name was preceded with a "son of" or "daughter of" title.  Now we know that information by ones last name.  Names associate us with our families and identify our position in that family. Before God told his people his name he went by the God of Israel or the God of Abraham,  Isaac,  and Jacob.

Second, I believe that intimacy is carried inside a name. What you call someone communicates to them and the surrounding world who they are to you...for better or worse. If I know your name and use your name to address you it means I know you.  If I add a Mr. or Mrs. in front, it shows honor but it also communicates distance. What about the person who gave you your name? In MOST cases the name given is one out of love and tenderness...I'll leave that alone. It's a delight for a parent to speak or hear their child's name and it's a delight for the child to here their own name too. Intimacy is in a name.

Information is in a name. Name's mean something...Even Moses...which for the life of me I hurt for the kids today named Moshe...give the Jew a fighting chance! Now, I have a pretty sweet name. It means "Mighty with a Spear"...thank you mom and dad.   I honestly doubt, in fact I know this was not in their minds when they named me. I was named after my Grandfather to carry on his legacy. But I believe words hold more power when they are not only used but understood. Here me out...the revelation of my name becomes an open door inviting me to become what I'm called;)

Identity, Intimacy and Information reside in names. Portals of promise do too! But that could be it's own blog entirely.   History and legacy go hand in hand.  Yeshua is the Hebrew name for the son of God. It means "The Lord is Salvation."  The English spelling of Yeshua is “Joshua.” When translated from Hebrew into Greek, Yeshua becomes Iēsous. The English spelling for Iēsous is “Jesus.” This basically means that Joshua and Jesus are the same name. One is translated from Hebrew into English, the other from Greek into English.

I enjoy learning about people.  I enjoy the meaning of people's names. I enjoy celebrating people and I enjoy deep connection.   This is especially enjoyable with Yeshua. I didn't usually use his Hebrew name until more recently; and not because I started speaking fluent Hebrew on a daily basis.  Although I will admit my Hebrew is increasing!!  Aside from the fact that English probably didn't exist when he was born, and his mom definitely didn't give him a Greek name either; using his birth name seemed fitting to me. He is a Jew after all and not all Jews... but some Jews at least...have Hebrew names. Though, I am not one of those Jews:o

Ever meet a foreign person who everyone calls Tammy or Danny? I wonder if they'd rather go by their real name (if people could pronounce it right) or if they genuinely don't mind their 'American' name. Sometimes they themselves tell you to call them by their easier to say and spell name. I've personally never been told by God which name to call his son...  But I feel closer to him when I use his birth name, Yeshua. To me he's still the God of Israel. 

This is more than a paragraph so I hope I'll get more of a paragraph out of my friend...If she doesn't make me wait til she's published first, that is! :o

Boredom...Just Don't

I caught the words 'I'm bored' come out of my mouth recently and it was sort of a startling realization! Wait, really? In the last year alone I've been to Paris, the Outer Banks of North Carolina (OBX!!!), and Israel with a group of amazing Aussies! I've been to four weddings, threw a wedding shower, bachelorette party, gave a maid of honor toast, spent a few weekends in NYC, and a few day trips to Boston...just to ramble off a few activities.  I'm too busy to be bored! When did boredom even have a chance to appear? The second I entered extended rest.  

Rest seems to be the word of the season these days. Grad school is done. Ministry is on hold. Debt must decrease and savings must increase...so travel must decrease too. Rest feels so unproductive and incredibly boring to me!  

But, like the clothing line Made Well, we can't be well until we rest well.  No circuit runs forever on it's own. I mean, no DC (battery powered) circuit anyway!  Creation mimics its creator - electronics require recharging just like the humans that made it!  There's yet to be a permanent power source we can plug into and stay running 24/7...as much as I joke about an IV drip of coffee, it just isn't realistic!  We need to sleep, we need to rest.  Sleep is wonderful! I can't seem to get enough of it!  I just can't stop resisting rest for some reason. 

The problem, if you're like me, is that thoughts begin to wonder (I haven't found the off switch for this yet); about work, relationships, our schedules, etc. The comparison game begins to be played which can spiral into a fatal prognosis that one's life is boring just because the current season seems slow.  Fast and busy somehow equates to meaningful and fun for some reason.  So if we see someone else with a perpetually full plate we subconsciously envy them IF we find ourselves in a 'season of rest.'  See, boredom is determination that someone else's life is better - that your process is somehow over, when really it's got much more ahead! When we limit our scope to the present moment we lose sight of the big picture and run the risk of ruining what lay ahead! 

I'm convinced that when building a house, the foundation takes the longest amount of time.  Case in point, if you walk by a Habitat for Humanity site, it seems like the digging and the laying of concrete takes forever and all the sudden you go by again and the frames and walls are all up, ready for the internal touches!  That's because foundation is the most important level.  Humanity is not like the process of building a home.  Houses are built in one direction...from the ground up!  I'm no contractor, but I doubt there's much back and forth in the process. That's why the foundation must be perfect so one can build on it!  But humanity operates in seasons that unlike the ones on our calendars, can overlap at times and even look like a three steps forward one step back pattern.  And unfortunately the seasons of life don't have clear welcome or exit signs so we might not even realize which season we're in right away.  

I used to take power naps in college. I refined the art of it. If I slept less than twenty minutes it wasn't enough and I'd be tired...if I slept more than twenty minutes but less than two hours I should have just skipped the nap altogether because I'd wake up feeling worse than I started.  Twenty minutes is the perfect power nap for me!  Seasons of rest (whether vacations or a semester off of school, or a break from that organization) are power pauses. They might seem useless but they are strengthening us to propel us into the next big thing, battle, or breakthrough. 

Pauses are powerful.  Ever be in a heated or heavy conversation, and the person responds with a lot of silence? Ever audition for a part and the call back doesn't come the day it was supposed to?  Or you're waiting to hear back from a job interview?  Pauses are powerful because they crank up the heat and make us sweat! Pauses can cause worry, panic, fear, you name it.  Seasons of rest are power pauses. The heat of uncertainty might rise, the waves that cloud our vision might rise...but don't panic.  Heat causes impurities to rise to the service so what is revealed can be healed.  Fine metals are made in crucibles to burn off imperfections until what remains is gold!  A power pause can be just what God has in mind when He won't show you the picture on the puzzle box, but keeps giving you puzzle pieces.  He's at work in and through us even when we see nothing happening in this season or can't understand the connections.   Don't give into the lie that you're bored. You just haven't realized the fun you're in the middle of yet;-) You're in a powerful process if you could only look up to realize it!

Life is cyclic and complicated and comes with many seasons that don't necessarily sync up with our friends seasons. Even if we want them to. But the quicker we realize we're not actually in control the smoother the ride will be!  Rest is more than just about health.  It's about release.  From the lyrics of one of my favorite artists, Josh Garrels, "My rest is a weapon against the oppression of man's obsession to control things ("The Resistance").  The movie doesn't stop just because I put the remote control down. Life isn't dull when at rest. It's packed full of process.  

I'm determined to not give into the lie of boredom; it's a trap that deceives me into thinking God's process isn't perfectly timed! 

Transition Tango

As I crawled into bed early, desperate to catch up on sleep and quiet my mind from the storm of thoughts and emotions blowing through it, I said a prayer to God;  "Please speak to me about where I am right now and if what I'm doing is actually your desire for me." I immediately opened Spiritual Java (by Bill/Beni Johnson, Kris Vallotton, Kevin Dedmon, Danny Silk, and Banning Liebscher - go get it), a compilation devotional that I've barely looked at in the many many months I've been in possession of it. And from the title alone, you'd think I'd have inhaled it already. But this book is more like espresso than coffee for me...I drink coffee every day, but I can't drink espresso too often because it's very powerful, I react strongly to it, but when I do have it, man there's kick!  I opened Spiritual Java after saying that brief prayer, assuming I'd pass out any moment, but instead what I read woke me up. "Where are you right now?"  Incredible.  You know, some people hear things like that and they dismiss it as coincidence. But I dare you to ask God questions and see for yourself how he'll answer through your surroundings or even in a whisper.  Or, maybe you need an adorable little girl in a restaurant to run up to your table and tell you "I like your shirt and I like your earrings and I like your necklace and your eyes and you smell nice" for you to realize God just gave you a love note in the form of a beautiful child:-) 

And so, where am I right now? In the channel of big transition. Transition in my thoughts, experiences, and location. Some of which I can express and some of which it's so deep within, I have no words to express the motion that is going on within. Seriously, I feel it but I don't understand it. My life changed drastically while overseas, but I'm home now and only have a perception of the change, not a full picture.  And so, each morning it becomes essential to seek Peace.  It sounds crazy, but I know I'm not. Whenever we start new seasons, those lies and insecurities creep into our thoughts and try to hold us back. Is this really what I heard? Peace.  I know I have the power to choose, did I choose right?  Peace. Will I mess up or mess someone else up?  Peace.  Can I really be freely me and fully known? Peace.  Will I like it when I get where I'm going?  Peace.  Peace is gold to me right now. It's the precious stone I'm eagerly mining. And each time I find Peace, I find joy too! But not just once, but over and over. The waves come back, but the peace comes back too.

My life often feels like abrupt transitions, so why not an abrupt transitional thought.  I've never felt particularly attractive while dancing. I'm definitely no Elaine from Seinfeld, thank goodness. But, it's like I think too much and my body pays the price:-o The fact that I'll get up on the dance floor at all is growth. I enjoy music. I enjoy company. But I also enjoy sneaking into the middle of the dance floor so I don't have to be that person on the edge for all the people watchers to judge.  I was at a wedding reception this past weekend that had a camera so the dance floor was projected to the back of the room on a big screen TV. What the heck!?....people watchers didn't even have to be close and they could stare and judge while they sipped their cold drinks and didn't work up a sweat, or get their embarrassing groove on!  The truth is though...they missed out on all the fun.  I'd rather get over myself and step out of my comfort zone because in the end it's way more fun than watching...even though there are definitely some good laughs that way too. 

Transition is a lot like a wedding reception. You know it's coming from the moment you get the invitation.   You know the dancing is coming. You might try to prepare a bit...get just the right dress or shoes or whatever. You might get pulled onto the dance floor, or you might put yourself there. But how will you dance? You won't know til you get there.  Transition is a tango that you don't quite know the steps to but you get yourself up on the dance floor anyway. You can't learn it until you try it. It will eventually get smooth.  Just like any transition.

Smooth transition is seen really clearly in Joshua 5:12 "The manna stopped the day after they ate this food from the land; there was no longer any manna for the Israelites, but that year they ate of the produce of Canaan." God provided food for 40 years in the wilderness until the time came for them to acquire their own.  There is always provision for us, no matter where we go.  Provision never ends even if our seasons change; it's just the way we're fed that changes.

"Regardless of where your storm came from, you have been trained for this moment. You do know what to do." (Bill Johnson, Spiritual Java).

Peek-A-Boo, I See The Real You:-o

How you respond to someone's eagerness to meet you reveals a LOT about your sense of self worth! I won't lie; this experience recently came my way. Like a knee-jerk reaction I wanted to retort something smart like "I hope you're not disappointed" or "Don't get your hopes too high." And you know... maybe follow it with an emoticon (since we were writing) to distract from the dagger it would throw. (But at who?) Perfect place for a wink face or my personal favorite, the 'oh snap' face:-o. But, I actually stopped myself this time unlike countless other times in the past where rapid responses or short phrases exposed true perspective of myself under the thin veil of a joke. This time I instantly realized I was about to put myself down (yet again). What seemed funny in the past suddenly seemed serious. And for the first time it occurred to me that I would have demeaned this person who had genuine excitement and an opinion worth valuing. 

I love how process is so personal. Mine won't look like yours and yours won't look like another's. The same is true with identity. The beauty of creation is intricacy and uniqueness paired with a powerful foundation of stability from a never-changing Artist who designed, fashioned, and formed us with Purpose in mind. For so long I didn't know who I was...or who I wanted to be. This resulted twofold; a rejection of whatever I perceived to reject me (even if ever so slightly) and an insatiable desire for someone to tell me who I was (or should be). See, I needed people to like me to like myself and I needed people to value me in order to value myself. Since people are people and no one can carry the weight of that need it left me frustrated, hurt, lost, and confused on a pretty regular basis. And so, when you don't know or like who you are you try to be someone else. And, of course you can't be someone else very well, so you'll attribute your worth based on a test you were never meant to take. It's kind of a crazy thought...it's like walking into the wrong classroom at test time, sitting down and taking the final, failing it and deciding you're an utter failure because you couldn't pass a test you never took the course for!!! The secret is that only God can tell you who you are and show you your value…only God, because he made you and knows you perfectly. As an engineer you’d think I would have learned this earlier; only the designer can define the design. 

An incredibly wise and dear friend of mine wrote about this topic some time ago. I want to credit her instead of recreating the words. She captured the essential issue of false humility (a false understanding of identity) so well. You can read the full blog (When Insecurity Dies and Love Lives at http://heatherlundberg.blogspot.com/): "What happens when I am not continually choosing to view myself the way God does? What happens when I only see with my natural eyes but don't ask for heaven's perspective? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own emotions that we become really self-centered. A sense of false humility can form when we allow our thoughts to become more focused on our weaknesses, inability, and lack rather than Gods power, strength and faithfulness. It is not only painful for me when I think this way, but it hurts and robs those around me. When I am choosing to live in a place of insecurity rather than my true identity, it prevents me from loving people the way I was created to. I don't realize the value of my thoughts, words and actions and this can cost others a great deal. Insecurity is placing your identity in what you feel and what others think rather than what is true. True humility is having the right view of God and how he sees you, and living from that place."

A different friend asked me recently to break this down a bit...into something like '5 tips to reversing false humility habits' or '10 exercises for hearing God's ideas for your identity.' I can't satisfactorily attack that in one blog unfortunately. So I will start with one tip today....Say "thank you" instead of deflecting and therefore rejecting a compliment. Sounds simple but it’s powerful. I'm not talking about flattery- that's a whole other topic because flattery can be manipulative. But let's look at genuine compliments and call them beams of light into your true identity. When you’re directly told something about your true identity, receive it! (This isn't a blanket statement to receive everything, but since your true identity was made in the image of God, you can trust what you’re receiving when it aligns with what God says about you). It will take some time to learn what to receive and what to reject, but I believe the harder part is to receive what we don’t believe about our self…but if we trust who said it we can trust ‘it’ too. The goal is to stop rejecting ourselves and learn to realize the subtle ways we do it. The sad fact is that we reject ourselves by not allowing ourselves to step into the truth of our identity. In my own life, I had a really hard time when someone would compliment me, especially if they would tell me I'm beautiful. I was not even slightly subtle with dismissing that!! I would get so adamant that it wasn't true; so much so, that certain people stopped telling me because they didn't want to argue with me even though they still thought it (learned this through being confronted). The craziest thing is after being confronted about it one time in particular, I gritted my teeth and said 'thank you'. I literally stopped allowing myself to reject the statement 'Jeri you're beautiful'. I feel silly sharing this, but the most powerful thing started to happen over time as I continued to say ‘thank you’ to similar things....the most negative girl I'd ever known in the past (myself) started to see beauty in the mirror and started actually seeing what was being said. It's not that I needed people to say it so I could believe it...I needed to hear God's voice in it and actually receive it from Him before I could feel it! The key is that thanksgiving receives truth and attracts more. Rejection (in this context) is both offensive to yourself and the one whose opinion you're dismissing. 

Sadly, I do this with God all too often. I know what His letters to me say. The Bible is very clear that I was made wonderfully, to be loved with an everlasting love, that I lack no good thing, that my mind is perfect, that there's a role in a vast adventure that only I can fill, and I could keep going... What if your love only ever gave you one love note...how long would you hold onto it and believe it before you started to doubt if he'd changed his mind? Would you even believe it at all? What if it were a whole book of love letters? What you believe about your identity determines your ability to receive love and give love.

The simple reality is we teach people how to treat us and a big part of that is how we treat ourselves...people will ultimately treat you the way you treat yourself.  The same is true with how you view yourself.  I think I failed to understand this far too long; to the point of unhealthy boundaries, a false sense of humility, and an irrational fear of confidence because I thought it only arrogant pride.  I read on a facebook wall recently that it's the grace of God that humbles a man without degrading him and exalts a man without inflating him!  I used to think humility was beating myself down (if I were really being honest), and never getting anywhere close to ‘exaltation.’  Wow, did I insult my maker or what!?   And I’m done insulting people too.  I’m obviously worth being excited to meet and loving, so I’m just going to receive it.  You are too! :-)

There's Just Something About Mystery

Plans and purposes can really seem like a mystery most times. Not plans we make ourselves, though sometimes our own motives aren't entirely clear.  But I mean the plans and purposes God has for our lives.  It's always easier as an outsider to see into someone else's situation and see what's going on, how it's working towards something, it's moving in a certain direction; what God is doing. It makes sense...when something is too close to your face you can't see it well unless you step back and let it come into focus.  Sometimes we're just too close to our self in our process that it becomes a great mystery as to what is actually happening while it's happening. As they say, hind sight is 20/20. But I believe foresight can be more clear than it actually is.

Last month, a young man from our youth ministry (MergeAhead.com) collaborated with some friends to buy one of our young ladies a car. Many contributed what they could to the gift! It was the coolest act of extravagant giving to see! He took the time to find the car, test it out, get it tuned up and ready to be presented.  She had no idea what awaited her that Sunday night. But, we all knew and eagerly awaited the moment it was revealed.  I wonder if she was yearning and maybe even stressing about a car at this time?   Over many many months past, I'd become privy that the pursuer of my best friend was planning to propose! He'd make plans and check in with me from time to time about it. It was all really exciting! The thing is, my friend had no idea. As time passed, and communication between the two of them became difficult due to a season he was overseas, it became clear to me that my friends heart was strained.  Oh it was so hard for me to listen and not be able to comfort her with the truth of what I knew first hand.  But, I refused to tell her anything that would ruin the surprise! It was an epic surprise, one worth concealing until the right time. The same was true about the car story. None of us wanted to ruin the tremendous moment ahead! And then, something hit me like lightning!  God is at work preparing things for us right now. We have moments where we cry out to God and feel like he's far off...but really he's busy preparing. And oh, what a marvelous surprise he is preparing for us! In fact, no eye has seen and no ear has heard what God is preparing for us...it's that original; it's that good!  It hit me that it's the romantic nature of God to conceal things from us until the proper time. He delights in surprising us and blessing us with our hearts desires. It must grieve his heart to watch us sweat; to watch us cry out and feel like we can't take it anymore. Funny thing is, it's always darkest before the dawn, and always tightest before payday!  But, God loves us too much to ruin the surprise! The moment of revelation is on it's way and it will be WAY better than a temporal soothing of our anxious hearts by a word out of season or a heads up of what's to come.  Besides, knowing in advance can have difficulties too! We'd waste away our days of present to get to the 'surprise' and miss the gems each day has in store and the incredible ways we can impact and encourage our environments merely by our present presence!

I used to think that the plans and purposes of God were always far off; always a mystery.  But not the kind of mystery that was alluring. The kind of mystery that was unnerving. I had trouble conceptualizing the goodness of God for most of my life really.  Things go down. People leave. Seasons change. Life happens. I can pinpoint when all of this began to change for me though.  My dearest friend from college flipped my thinking upside down and inside out when she sat me down one time about Jeremiah 29:11 ("For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope").  I'd heard this quoted to me over and over again and it became hard to think of it as anything other than far off hope that I wasn't sure I'd ever reach! She said this plan is not something you arrive at. It's something you're already living out, because it's already in process!  Whoa! Over many years this has been blossoming in my heart. And suddenly I see mystery as a magnificent romantic gesture of a wonderful surprise being prepared for me...even now, even as I write this. And while sometimes it's really hard to have this perspective for my own life and my own circumstances - and there might not be a single friend aware of the actual details that await me - I can rest assured that behind the door I find myself standing in front of,  God is preparing a table, a special meal, and awaits a purposeful and grand unveiling of His heart towards me through the revealing of the efforts of his planning all this time!

There's Nothing Nicer Than The First Night On Clean Sheets And Nothing Funnier Than Sneezing During Netipot

Hello Blog! As I embark into the world of blogging, I thought an introduction only appropriate.  Back in the day, I sat in a computer science class (C++) only to learn that all programmers everywhere start with the same simple set of code commands that make the computer output "Hello World."  I will say, I did successfully complete this task but have since learned that I'm a better writer than programmer, and although I maintain my day job as an engineer, my first hobby love was always writing!  Now, I can't promise to be grammatically correct all the time.  In fact, I like to make up words periodically.  Sometimes thoughts are confined by the words that exist and we need new expressions for them, like Javation Journal; an interweaving of words to reflect a coffee and technology generation (Java is COFFEE and a programming language for the non-techies out there) that can't have thoughts confined any longer, requiring innovative expression for the random moments in life (see this posts title), or the spiritually profound times you encounter God and just have to share it (can't stop listening to Endless Years https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/endless-years/id579013179), or the knowledge you pick up along the way.  Regardless of who follows Javation Journal, I plan to write what I know and express what I feel regardless of how serious or silly.