When did it become unacceptable to express emotion? Somewhere along the way it was decided it's ok for children but not for adults. Am I wrong? We slip women medicine to regulate their hormones and manipulate men to believe that feelings aren't masculine. We accept silence or passionless lives because we think that's normal. Feelings just aren't appropriate. Comunication just isn't worth it. And if you get to a point where you actually have to cry, well something is wrong.
I caught the bug. I've been convinced it's not ok to cry; it's not ok to feel immensely. It's embarassing. It's weak. It's awkward. There's no time or space. I find myself apologizing for my feelings when I can't actually hide them anymore. Or, if I choose to reveal them I hide afterwards afraid of how I'm received... Our poor hearts just need to express themselves. I'm not opting for reckless behavior but this emotional embargo needs to end.
I read that a day would come when the hearts of most would grow cold and I'm sad to say I see it's true. Could it be from this assault on emotion? I mean if you kill passion you kill heart. They say it's a very similar emotion the passion of love and the passion of hate; the emotion of love and emotion of hate. Both invoke immense feeling. A cold heart can't hate...but even worse it cannot love. Yet some things deserve our backs just as some deserve our hearts.
Our choices can become our worst enemy. We choose to stifle our feelings through the lie of adulthood. We say composure is proper and feelings are foolish. But what about our choices? We forget that we chose to self-medicate those feelings away or to ignore the whispers of our heart through distractions of life. Did we forget we can actually choose emotion? But why would someone do that? Aren't feelings foolish? What if the choice is to love? What if the choice is to feel joy? Surely if we can control what we feel and when we feel, we can choose to love. No? Emotion is not merely reaction to circumstances. I fear the more we violate the purpose and free-will of emotion the further we get from our true heart. The coldness ensues.
When I was a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. Adult life seemed so interesting AND adults got to make their own decisions and be in control of their lives. From an early age power was highly desirable to me. Any kid who felt powerless or bored would relate. I couldn't wait to have control over my own life; to make my own decisions. But adulthood brought a whole new challenge to my disappointment: what to do with unsatisfied desire. Now you're in control so what do you control? And what about the things you can't or shouldn't control...like love? Like emotion? Like feelings?
What's worse; to want something you cannot have or to pretend you don't want it at all? I'm starting to see that denying our heart the dignity of desire is quite harmful. You might be able to hide it from yourself but your heart will speak, your emotion will reveal it.
Expression is important. Dignity is often abused. We tie ourselves up and throw away the key, believing this is what adults do. Control is a slippery slope. Art therapy isn't the only industry that's booming these days. As long as connection and intimacy and emotion remain an all time low the counseling profession will continue to be in need. I wonder if in session patients cry?
Why do we hide our hearts? Desire much like emotion can be too much to bare. Ironically it's in the feeling that we release that heavy load. It's in the dignity of desire that we truly live. I mean what is life without passion? Do we desire nothing because we can't handle delay? Do we feel nothing because it might hurt? Do we keep our mouth shut because we're afraid to fight for intimacy through communication? What if the process of wanting produces more than the having? If we always got what we wanted quickly would we actually value it?
Desire is meant to kill us. The waiting, the longing, the divine delays. We either mature through the process of relinquishing control or we harden. Desire is a better death than chocolate. If I can't feel the pain, can I experience the ecstacy? Our emotional bankruptcy causes drugs to rise and hearts to fall. We need desire. We need the courage to care deeply. The process of desire is meant to mature us. My favorite quote is this..."If our hopes aren't being satisfied just yet it means they are being purified".
The process of analysis is a beautiful thing to an observant mind. But to analyze, to understand, to learn and grow is great as long as you're not constantly judging what is seen. I've been stuck in this place awhile. Even in my emotion or desire. It 'should' be this way. It shouldn't be that. This is the dilemma of the impatient heart.
We must not forget that emotions can lie. They still need to be felt and processed though. I'm not a fan of emotion filters but I am a fan of emotion management. We are triune beings with a body, soul, and spirit. We operate in layers all the time as we should. If only our body or only our soul or ONLY our spirit ran the show we'd be in trouble. Our emotions can't drive our cars but they can't be captives in our trunk either. Our mind and our will have to work with our emotions if possible. Even dark or deceptive emotions must be seen and felt. But you don't have to agree with everything you feel. Maturity means you can feel emotion and you can communicate them and you can move forward. But, emotions are not facts. Even so, we must experience them to regain our hearts. Don't be so afraid to cry; to feel and to release. Our tears fertilize the soil of our hearts and tender hearts can love and be loved.
Unsatisfied desire can be one of the worst pains ever. Add ten years to it and life gets...complicated. I get the temptation to ignore or settle. But the pain is heavily linked to timing. We want what we want and we want it now. I recently discovered that the formula for dispair is to try to put a timeline on what you cannot control. Desire is good. I have to believe it will be worth it. Just as children learn the discipline of patience so must adults. It's called delayed gratification. To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven. Even if it's not my timing. I must do what I can to keep my heart alive in the waiting. Jim Elliot said it so well, "Let not our longing slay the appetite for our living".
Desire is an invitation to partner with hope. It is meant to be protected not shunned. We cut loose the wrong areas and restrict the right ones. We reject the good and embrace the bad. Delay forces maturity. Folly divorces wisdom. But the heart must be expressed. Silence is more often cowardly than wisdom.
