Crazy or Courageous?

Sometimes it's the moments you feel really crazy that you're actually on the brink of courageous breakthrough. After all, fear and discernment often share the same coin albeit opposite sides.  Wisdom and faith sometimes disagree. How do you navigate when what you know and see don't align? This is a tough place to be. I set out on an uncertain journey with just bread crumbs of peace to follow. One day the bread crumbs stopped and it felt like I was in a wooded forest without a compass or a guide. What was I to do? I could keep moving forward or I could turn back. I felt crazy for getting myself on this trail but full of hope it was leading somewhere.  As I'm writing I am reminded of a time in college I decided to go on an evening hike with my boyfriend. It was October in upstate New York so it was pretty cold.  We went on a trail that wrapped around a lake. It was beautiful but it was stupid.  The sun would be setting soon and we didn't bring a flashlight or a phone. We bickered a bit about unimportant things as we hiked further on until we realized the sun was quickly setting and we needed to make a decision...keep going or turn back? We reasoned that we couldn't have been far enough into the hike so turning back would get us out of the woods quicker. Well the sun set and we could no longer see the trail...at all! There was a bit of light off the water from the moon's reflection but the problem was that the trail didn't stay along the waters edge. If we wanted to see anything we had to go off the trail. It was the craziest experience. We held hands with one hand and put a hand in front of our faces with the other because we were literally walking through brush and tree branches and without our hand shields we got pelted in the face with all sorts of things.  It was really uncomfortable. I was scared. I rolled my ankle badly and seriously regretted the decision to hike this late in the day. We finally made it out of the woods and found our way to the car. We were covered in mud and twigs and we were freezing but we made it out alive. I secretly felt like it was God putting us in the situation to make us work as a team...a trust exercise. And boy did it work. I'm starting to think that the journey of desire is another trust exercise in life.

There is a danger with desire in believing it will complete you. If I only had this. If I only lived there. If I only made this much. Satisfaction and completion are very different things. The former is temporary, the latter eternal. Not to mention nothing is really permanent so completion isn't something that can be acquired. It's dangerous to live in false reality even if the perceived truth is pleasant. Comfort isn't the real goal, truth is; yet we settle for comfortable thoughts and comfortable dreams and wonder why we're stuck in life. When we hope against hope that something we desire will come into our lives we have to understand that desire fulfilled can bring satisfaction but never completion. Satisfaction is inherently temporal. Life is dynamic not static. We're human, we're complex, we change our minds on a whim, and we create expectations like fantasies that reality has a hard time living up to. If we're not careful we can become perpetually dissatisfied. 
 

It's crazy to live a life that accommodates unsatisfied desire. Until I marry the man of my dreams I can't live there. Unless I make this much money a year I won't change jobs.  Until I publish a book I'm nobody. When we live a life of passive patience, waiting in silence, or fear, we accommodate unmet desire. We limit our lives and say until I get what I want, I won't live. That is basically what people do when they take a victim position in patience. They stop living life to the fullest because they are preoccupied with what they don't have yet.  A person who actively waits, keeps dreaming while enjoying the life they have today.

I've seen busy people miss the point though. I am often that person unfortunately. If we're not careful we fill our days with social engagements and checking things off our to do lists just so we ignore our unmet desire. This isn't active patience. It's a formula for burnout. Our hearts need to feel desire to be truly alive. We need connection and we need rest or we won't thrive. Rest is uncomfortable but if you can't enjoy rest in the season you're in I'd argue you can't enjoy your life. Don't busy yourself just to ignore your heart.

It's courageous to acknowledge unsatisfied desire. Goals and dreams must start somewhere and they usually start in lack...you don't have it yet. But a courageous person finds joy in today and can live in satisfaction daily while they wait and long for their unmet desire. It's crazy to remain sad when there is so much to be thankful for. It's courageous to believe in timing and that plans are being worked out even as we speak. It's courageous to wait and reflect on all the blessings this extra time gives you. It's bold to face disappointment and laugh at it. This wasn't the outcome I wanted, but there is a better outcome ahead. Maybe I don't always know what is best for myself but I can trust that I made it this far and I can make it even further.

Bad partnerships form out of impatience and ignorance. If you're climbing a mountain the last thing you want is someone foolish or immature with you. (And, no I'm not saying my college boyfriend was a fool. He got us out safely). Maybe this sounds harsh....like picking teams in gym class. But, some mountains are a matter of life and death. When it's all on, the associations you have, the people in your inner circle, the business partners you make matter more than you know. They will push you higher or they will pull you down. Or, worst case, they will chain you to your present level forever.  Maybe it's just me. I've always felt a bit of a nomad. I can't shake the intense feeling of adventure like my life is meant to climb.  It doesn't matter if anyone knows my name or face but I can't stay chained. I can't sacrifice my soul on the alter of mediocre.  I'm pressing on.

It's been a sobering wake up call to realize the things I want most in life will not complete me and won't even satisfy me very long. There is a deeper issue. Why do I think I am missing something (or incomplete) without this desire? What isn't healed in my heart that needs this 'thing' to justify my existence, position, reputation, identity? Sorting this out frees me to truly appreciate satisfied desire! I believe in divine delay.  It has allowed me time to find wholeness from the right Source...in a way that lasts.  So, when it's time for desire to be fulfilled it will be a tree of life not just the knowledge of good and evil.

It's fun having time to reflect and enjoy today. I don't feel crazy anymore. It was courage to move across the country for a job. It was courage to give love a chance. It was also courage to recognize a necessary ending. It'd be crazy not to live each day to the fullest.

All I know is that sometimes we find ourselves in situations and we have to keep moving forward even when we can't see. That night in college it would have been crazy to quit and it demanded courage I wasn't planning on to continue. Should we have made better choices? Maybe. But we got into a situation that forced us to learn and grow. In my recent life journey I too felt like I couldn't see and was surrounded on all sides by darkness. I literally felt crazy to keep walking in the dark. I knew what all my friends wanted to tell me.  But I also knew my heart was on a pilgrimage that it needed to keep pressing forward. So I did. It was really confusing and difficult most of the time. But I kept going. And then, like that crazy night hike in college, there was a clearing and I could see. I could see so clearly it was almost blinding. I was able to see where I was and that I wasn't yet where I wanted to be but I was closer. I could see I needed to shed a large bag however if I was going to climb higher. So I had a choice to make. Did I keep carrying this bag that had the potential of satisfying desire? If I did I couldn't climb though.  It was too heavy. Or did I put the bag down and free my hands and energy to climb? Which decision was crazy? Which, courageous?  I believe it takes crazy courage to let go of something good for something better. It takes crazy courage to walk away from something certain for the great unknown, especially alone. But I have to climb higher. Call me crazy, but I know it's courage:)

Death By Desire

When did it become unacceptable to express emotion?  Somewhere along the way it was decided it's ok for children but not for adults. Am I wrong? We slip women medicine to regulate their hormones and manipulate men to believe that feelings aren't masculine. We accept silence or passionless lives because we think that's normal.  Feelings just aren't appropriate.  Comunication just isn't worth it.  And if you get to a point where you actually have to cry, well something is wrong.

I caught the bug. I've been convinced it's not ok to cry; it's not ok to feel immensely.  It's embarassing. It's weak. It's awkward.  There's no time or space.  I find myself apologizing for my feelings when I can't actually hide them anymore. Or, if I choose to reveal them I hide afterwards afraid of how I'm received... Our poor hearts just need to express themselves. I'm not opting for reckless behavior but this emotional embargo needs to end.

I read that a day would come when the hearts of most would grow cold and I'm sad to say I see it's true. Could it be from this assault on emotion? I mean if you kill passion you kill heart. They say it's a very similar emotion the passion of love and the passion of hate; the emotion of love and emotion of hate. Both invoke immense feeling.  A cold heart can't hate...but even worse it cannot love. Yet some things deserve our backs just as some deserve our hearts.

Our choices can become our worst enemy.  We choose to stifle our feelings through the lie of adulthood. We say composure is proper and feelings are foolish. But what about our choices? We forget that we chose to self-medicate those feelings away or to ignore the whispers of our heart through distractions of life.  Did we forget we can actually choose emotion? But why would someone do that? Aren't feelings foolish?  What if the choice is to love?  What if the choice is to feel joy? Surely if we can control what we feel and when we feel, we can choose to love.  No?  Emotion is not merely reaction to circumstances. I fear the more we violate the purpose and free-will of emotion the further we get from our true heart. The coldness ensues. 

When I was a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. Adult life seemed so interesting AND adults got to make their own decisions and be in control of their lives.  From an early age power was highly desirable to me. Any kid who felt powerless or bored would relate. I couldn't wait to have control over my own life;  to make my own decisions.  But adulthood brought a whole new challenge to my disappointment: what to do with unsatisfied desire. Now you're in control so what do you control? And what about the things you can't or shouldn't control...like love? Like emotion?  Like feelings?

What's worse; to want something you cannot have or to pretend you don't want it at all? I'm starting to see that denying our heart the dignity of desire is quite harmful. You might be able to hide it from yourself  but your heart will speak, your emotion will reveal it.

Expression is important.  Dignity is often abused. We tie ourselves up and throw away the key, believing this is what adults do. Control is a slippery slope. Art therapy isn't the only industry that's booming these days. As long as connection and intimacy and emotion remain an all time low the counseling profession will continue to be in need. I wonder if in session patients cry?

Why do we hide our hearts? Desire much like emotion can be too much to bare. Ironically it's in the feeling that we release that heavy load. It's in the dignity of desire that we truly live. I mean what is life without passion? Do we desire nothing because we can't handle delay? Do we feel nothing because it might hurt? Do we keep our mouth shut because we're afraid to fight for intimacy through communication?  What if the process of wanting produces more than the having? If we always got what we wanted quickly would we actually value it?

Desire is meant to kill us. The waiting, the longing, the divine delays. We either mature through the process of relinquishing control or we harden. Desire is a better death than chocolate.  If I can't feel the pain, can I experience the ecstacy? Our emotional bankruptcy causes drugs to rise and hearts to fall. We need desire. We need the courage to care deeply. The process of desire is meant to mature us.  My favorite quote is this..."If our hopes aren't being satisfied just yet it means they are being purified".  

The process of analysis is a beautiful thing to an observant mind. But to analyze, to understand, to learn and grow is great as long as you're not constantly judging what is seen. I've been stuck in this place awhile. Even in my emotion or desire. It 'should' be this way. It shouldn't be that. This is the dilemma of the impatient heart.

We must not forget that emotions can lie. They still need to be felt and processed though.   I'm not a fan of emotion filters but I am a fan of emotion management.  We are triune beings with a body, soul, and spirit.  We operate in layers all the time as we should. If only our body or only our soul or ONLY our spirit ran the show we'd be in trouble.  Our emotions can't drive our cars but they can't be captives in our trunk either. Our mind and our will have to work with our emotions if possible.  Even dark or deceptive emotions must be seen and felt. But you don't have to agree with everything you feel.  Maturity means you can feel emotion and you can communicate them and you can move forward. But, emotions are not facts. Even so, we must experience them to regain our hearts. Don't be so afraid to cry; to feel and to release. Our tears fertilize the soil of our hearts and tender hearts can love and be loved.

Unsatisfied desire can be one of the worst pains ever. Add ten years to it and life gets...complicated. I get the temptation to ignore or settle. But the pain is heavily linked to timing. We want what we want and we want it now. I recently discovered that the formula for dispair is to try to put a timeline on what you cannot control.  Desire is good. I have to believe it will be worth it. Just as children learn the discipline of patience so must adults. It's called delayed gratification. To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven. Even if it's not my timing. I must do what I can to keep my heart alive in the waiting. Jim Elliot said it so well, "Let not our longing slay the appetite for our living".

Desire is an invitation to partner with hope. It is meant to be protected not shunned.  We cut loose the wrong areas and restrict the right ones. We reject the good and embrace the bad. Delay forces maturity. Folly divorces wisdom.  But the heart must be expressed.  Silence is more often cowardly than wisdom.