At the time I first wrote this, I had no idea that in four months I would meet the man I would marry. This month, we celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. Bliss only begins to describe the feelings. I waited and longed for this day well into my 30's. I watched most of my friends get married before me. I was a bridesmaid 8 times, and never a bride...until last year. And I came across these writings and thought, how do I post this now? Isn’t hope more powerful in darkness? Have I lost my ability to speak into this area since my season has shifted? I don’t think so. Because, hope fulfilled is no longer hope, it’s actualized into fruit - with seed that must be sown again. There is so much more to say about this now. My desire in sharing this, is that even one person could be set free of “delay depression” or “distracted disorder” and see things in a new light - to find hope and share it.
A lot can change in one year. And in my case, a LOT can change in four months. I've edited this blog some between the initial draft and now. It was a LOT more bitter before, but I was intentional not to remove all bitterness over this topic. Real and honest pain is sometimes more comforting to others than an easy success story. We all are in process. Pain has a purpose. So I've chosen to share it openly and honestly and incredibly rawly in this post. Nothing shared is meant to point fingers at anyone, but hopefully connect with hearts that feel or felt the same and shed some light on things unnoticed. This isn’t everyone’s story but this is my story. These were my feelings, for better or worse, that no one else seemed to talk or write about.
~~~
I've heard it said in many different ways - but each variant of, 'be glad you're single,' is a deeply rooted misnomer disguising itself as encouragement to enjoy one's present season. I can accept and I do accept the advice to fully live and thrive in what is before me. And while I strive to stop comparing my life to my friends who are married and making babies something must be said for the awful lies that Singletons are misrepresented by and misrepresenting themselves by.
Prior to pulling out the big guns and going deep - before Singletons think this is an attack on Marrieds and they get to coast on a stream of 'heck yea' - let me simply state that singleness does NOT mean helplessness and it certainly doesn't mean second class, second picked or whatever lowly view one chooses to fixate. Because it IS a choice what you choose to focus on. This applies to Marrieds and Singles alike, so let's open our eyes and go for a walk outside.
Destiny. Purpose. Identity. Desire.
Powerful words. In-and-of themselves they invoke depth and emotion and thought. Much thought. Depending on your worldview you experience these words very differently. The same is true of your relationship status. I wish I were lying but unfortunately Singletons see these words very differently. Sometimes in hope or dispair.
I've been told in the past that my blogs aren't personal enough. Well, here goes nothing. Being a single adult was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Some would shoot me for this blog (because they're perfectly happy - to them I tip my hat), but to others, the pain is real. There I said it. It didn’t help that those years for me included a broken engagement. No one talks about it and families don't seem to notice those young professional Singletons who live far from home. Everyday I mustered up the discipline and resolve to declare my worth alone but it was hard when no one seemed to affirm it on a personal or intimate level. Friends were busy. Families had families. Some days only my Mom checked on me. And despite Southern rumors I never met my neighbors those 2 years in Georgia. I'm not trying to sound pathetic but this was my reality as a single adult that didn’t live near home. I’ll get back to the topic of declaring self worth later.
The concept of home was confusing. Was my empty apartment a home? Was it my home? It was hard not being in a position to have my own family while living away from my parents and siblings. I couldn’t help but think of my amazing parents, who lived many states away (no fault of theirs but I followed the career thing). My parents seem to adopt everyone they meet. It used to bother me... ‘hey you have your own kids you know’? They invite their single friends over for dinner and especially Thanksgiving when folks don't have other places to go. In fact, the idea that my married parents have single friends might shock some. When I graduated from college and moved away and discovered no one invited me to dinner or sought to 'adopt' that 22 year old, I was discouraged. I thought community would support me until I could have my own family. Later in my 20's there were times and moments of community support but I was pretty isolated.
To make matters worse I honestly didn’t find much solace from Jesus in this area. He was pretty quiet and the Bible only talks about caring for the widows and orphans but what about Singletons? Surely God isn't also leaving them out is He? I mean most of society doesn't know what to do with them - is that what the Bible's silence in this area means too? Are Singletons nameless, faceless wanderers destined to be good at a profession or reach diamond, platinum or gold traveling status? I could keep going. The questions were tormenting. And since no one talks about it being hard and no one admits how often they cry themselves to sleep wondering what is wrong with them and if their Boaz will ever come and THE WORD OF GOD is silent about Singletons, well then, of course they are crazy and alone for it.
Many times settling looked attractive. There I said it. Sometimes enough time has passed since your last date or your last glance that you're ready to hit up the bars just to turn a few heads to remind yourself you've still got it. But then you realize the quality of this attention to prove to yourself you're desirable isn't actually upping your value at all. Trashy experiences do not result in royal romance.
I make no attack on the Bible or its completeness for our lives. Then why is it silent about singles? Because, context and culture are essential. In biblical times children did not leave home until they were married. That alone would change a huge aspect of how single adults feel. No I don’t regret the choices I made to move away from home. Though it might have been wise to go back, who knows!? Our fathers offer a covering that is crucial. And mother’s offer an encouragement and nurture that is essential. I'm not attacking our modern culture but I'm pointing out why the Bible doesn't show examples of grown singles crying their eyes out about their identity, purpose, destiny and unmet desires. We do see Hannah who does just that about barrenness. And truly it is exactly what we go through. We feel left out and mocked by the Peninnah’s (See 1 Samuel 1) or the Hagar's (See Genesis 16) in life and therefore feel completely inadequate, let alone desirable.
The more recent mental aerobics I had in this area were about destiny and purpose. I felt like I hit a wall and I couldn't do anything more in my life without my husband. I really believed my purpose was wrapped into that of my husbands so I felt stuck and useless without "wife" status. And if I'm being honest isn't it like a status these days? The truth however is that purpose is not wrapped into marriage but destiny is. I believe there are things I'm called to accomplish that I won't without my husband. And, I believe there are things I was meant to do before he came (like maybe I should have finished this and posted this beforehand). I chuckle slightly that I felt so stuck in my purpose and then God opened a door for me as a Singleton to move and travel the world and write and hold an incredible job that I enjoy. I am truly thankful for the time and experiences I had.
I used to honestly feel like the only thing left for me would be leftovers. I have a 'lovely' relative who won't be named that actually told me 'at my age' all that will be left for me are divorcees and I better snatch a man before more of those veins show up on my legs. Yeah, he's a gem - God bless him. But it hurt and cut so deeply because it screamed out loud that which I feared. That's not to put down divorcees at all. But it was a lie that God doesn't have the BEST saved for me. I was on the phone with my best friend talking about all of this and she said, "you're not leftovers and neither is he (your future husband). You are a fully developed woman who will be matched with a fully developed man." Queue water works. Wow, what a thought!
I have a personal promise that I hold onto; the best is yet to come. Things don't always look good now but they will Singletons. Marrieds, you might not sleep much and not because of great sex but because of what great sex created; and you might not be able to afford plane tickets for four but better is coming. There are gems in times of want and times of feast. The Best is yet to come. "What does that actually mean? Well I looked up ‘Best’ and it means, ‘that which is most excellent, most desirable, unrivaled, unsurpassed, unparalleled, matchless, incomparable, ideal, and perfect’ is coming for you!” Thank God for dear friends who wrote me notes like these when I didn't have sweet notes from anyone else...except my wonderful Mother...
We weren't made to be alone. I don't care what Paul said in the New Testament. If singleness were our gift then Genesis would be a lie. There are those who devote themselves to being single because they feel called. I won't argue. But, if you choose singleness because you've given up hope and believe that delay is rejection then I want to shake you awake because desire and hope are alive and real and delay is divine preparation not rejection. There is no age threshold to marriage. Sarah said 'should I be allowed this pleasure now that I'm old?' & God was like 'heaven yes!!' And she finally got pregnant and she did enjoy it and her son Isaac restored her youth through laughter. Don't give up Singletons. And don't forget Marrieds. Regardless of where you are, we all struggle with comparison, cultivating community, and still waiting on hopes deferred.
And Singles, just because some of our friends didn't experience as long as a wait as we did doesn't make them jerks or insensitive. Talk to them and let them help you keep your dreams alive. Fires need to be kindled and breathed upon.
And distractions, don't even get me started. Too late. It's not true that Singles have a carefree life. I mean maybe they have some perks like travel and sleep but it's a lie that Singletons have it easy or carefree. Yes it's true Singleton’s don't have spouses to consider or worry about. But it was a regular battle for me in the area of identity. I'll get back to Marrieds on this in a moment. But think about it. In high school we're a little too young for anything other than social status. If we don't meet someone in college which is the prime marriage pool it seems...if I do say so myself (same intellectual and social and spiritual interests) there is grace in our 20's but into our 30's we're either too picky or there is something wrong with us right? That is the thinking anyway. Why don't I meet anyone like they show on TV? Why don't people approach me? Should I go online? Do I need to lose weight? I want to do this thing but going alone is kinda pathetic. ..and what if (like me) you move across the country for your job? You have to work the social scene to make friends let alone find someone to hang out with on a Saturday night. Being a single adult is distracting.
But identity isn't a matter that is magically figured out in marriage. Spouses don't complete each other they compliment each other. If you're bored or lonely single you'll probably be bored and lonely in marriage. I've stood beside many dear friends as they've pledged their wedding vows and I've seen and heard much by keeping up with them still. And now I know for myself. Even though marriage is wonderful, marriage is not magical, it's hard work and sometimes it's thankless work, but it's always worth it and fun in the end. And isn't singleness the same really? I mean totally different but yet the same. It's hard work to encourage yourself in life when others can't in a season. But it's worth it and can even be fun!
Don't get me wrong...being a single adult is hard. If you are one you know what I mean and I hope you find comfort knowing I understand because I was there. If you're not one let this be an awakening to some potentially hurting people around you. Especially single parents - my heart goes out to you. No matter what season we are in it's a challenge to be simply satisfied and fully present. We all look around and look back and look forward. I'm simply saying, it's ok for things to be hard. But let's try to be a community that embraces each other the best way we can. Let's be honest with our hurts and needs but always keep our love on. That season was hard but the best was yet to come. I couldn’t let hope die on my watch. I might give in to impatience at times but I won't give in to defeat.
I am so thankful for the amazing friends God put in my life who talked me through many painful nights wondering how long the wait would be. They let me be me and I let them be them. Singletons may struggle with the waiting but marriage is not magic challenge killer. One of the most important things I've learned when I was a single adult in my 30's is that it's ok to admit when things are hard but it's imperative to be able to take our eyes off ourselves so we can celebrate with those that celebrate; because, what we celebrate God will multiply!
This blog may have started albeit bitterly in an attempt to encourage singles and communicate some needs of an unmentioned people group, but God turned it around and had me post it when I could share my hope fulfilled. I’m happily married to a wonderful man who encourages me and compliments my strengths, all while loving me through my weaknesses. He is most certainly not leftover - he was being saved for me. He is the kindest and strongest person I know. He was truly worth the wait!
So, Singletons please know there are some wonderful treasures in being single, but if we don’t mine them, we’ll have to try again in marriage, and that can be even more painful with two hearts on the line. If you haven’t found your identity in Christ and learned to affirm yourself in your identity before you get married, you’ll put a lot of unfair and unhealthy weights on your spouse. Spouses aren’t meant to replace God, they are meant to point us to the Divine One through intimacy. If you haven’t figured out how to cultivate community in your single years you will find the same struggles in marriage. Your spouse is not your social gateway drug. I’m thankful for the extra time I had to grow in these areas and be a whole person when I got married. Though, I still struggle with waiting from time to time;-)
And Marrieds, please be careful that you’re not holding back the joys of your marriage. There are some that only portray a ‘ball and chain’ sort of marriage, which doesn’t make it seem very attractive. We all know any relationship can have its challenges, but there are wonderful benefits to marriage that aren’t always that obvious - why not share those to encourage hope? Downplaying marriage doesn’t make the waiting of Singletons any easier. For the joy set before me...
I originally wrote this almost 3 years ago. To be honest, I wish I had posted it back then. To say, “I found love in a hopeless place” is an understatement. But somehow it feels important that I got this message out there now because hope deferred makes the heart sick but a promise fulfilled is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12). The waiting was the worst. But I promise, rather He promises, it is always worth it!
A lot can change in one year. And in my case, a LOT can change in four months. I've edited this blog some between the initial draft and now. It was a LOT more bitter before, but I was intentional not to remove all bitterness over this topic. Real and honest pain is sometimes more comforting to others than an easy success story. We all are in process. Pain has a purpose. So I've chosen to share it openly and honestly and incredibly rawly in this post. Nothing shared is meant to point fingers at anyone, but hopefully connect with hearts that feel or felt the same and shed some light on things unnoticed. This isn’t everyone’s story but this is my story. These were my feelings, for better or worse, that no one else seemed to talk or write about.
~~~
I've heard it said in many different ways - but each variant of, 'be glad you're single,' is a deeply rooted misnomer disguising itself as encouragement to enjoy one's present season. I can accept and I do accept the advice to fully live and thrive in what is before me. And while I strive to stop comparing my life to my friends who are married and making babies something must be said for the awful lies that Singletons are misrepresented by and misrepresenting themselves by.
Prior to pulling out the big guns and going deep - before Singletons think this is an attack on Marrieds and they get to coast on a stream of 'heck yea' - let me simply state that singleness does NOT mean helplessness and it certainly doesn't mean second class, second picked or whatever lowly view one chooses to fixate. Because it IS a choice what you choose to focus on. This applies to Marrieds and Singles alike, so let's open our eyes and go for a walk outside.
Destiny. Purpose. Identity. Desire.
Powerful words. In-and-of themselves they invoke depth and emotion and thought. Much thought. Depending on your worldview you experience these words very differently. The same is true of your relationship status. I wish I were lying but unfortunately Singletons see these words very differently. Sometimes in hope or dispair.
I've been told in the past that my blogs aren't personal enough. Well, here goes nothing. Being a single adult was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Some would shoot me for this blog (because they're perfectly happy - to them I tip my hat), but to others, the pain is real. There I said it. It didn’t help that those years for me included a broken engagement. No one talks about it and families don't seem to notice those young professional Singletons who live far from home. Everyday I mustered up the discipline and resolve to declare my worth alone but it was hard when no one seemed to affirm it on a personal or intimate level. Friends were busy. Families had families. Some days only my Mom checked on me. And despite Southern rumors I never met my neighbors those 2 years in Georgia. I'm not trying to sound pathetic but this was my reality as a single adult that didn’t live near home. I’ll get back to the topic of declaring self worth later.
The concept of home was confusing. Was my empty apartment a home? Was it my home? It was hard not being in a position to have my own family while living away from my parents and siblings. I couldn’t help but think of my amazing parents, who lived many states away (no fault of theirs but I followed the career thing). My parents seem to adopt everyone they meet. It used to bother me... ‘hey you have your own kids you know’? They invite their single friends over for dinner and especially Thanksgiving when folks don't have other places to go. In fact, the idea that my married parents have single friends might shock some. When I graduated from college and moved away and discovered no one invited me to dinner or sought to 'adopt' that 22 year old, I was discouraged. I thought community would support me until I could have my own family. Later in my 20's there were times and moments of community support but I was pretty isolated.
To make matters worse I honestly didn’t find much solace from Jesus in this area. He was pretty quiet and the Bible only talks about caring for the widows and orphans but what about Singletons? Surely God isn't also leaving them out is He? I mean most of society doesn't know what to do with them - is that what the Bible's silence in this area means too? Are Singletons nameless, faceless wanderers destined to be good at a profession or reach diamond, platinum or gold traveling status? I could keep going. The questions were tormenting. And since no one talks about it being hard and no one admits how often they cry themselves to sleep wondering what is wrong with them and if their Boaz will ever come and THE WORD OF GOD is silent about Singletons, well then, of course they are crazy and alone for it.
Many times settling looked attractive. There I said it. Sometimes enough time has passed since your last date or your last glance that you're ready to hit up the bars just to turn a few heads to remind yourself you've still got it. But then you realize the quality of this attention to prove to yourself you're desirable isn't actually upping your value at all. Trashy experiences do not result in royal romance.
I make no attack on the Bible or its completeness for our lives. Then why is it silent about singles? Because, context and culture are essential. In biblical times children did not leave home until they were married. That alone would change a huge aspect of how single adults feel. No I don’t regret the choices I made to move away from home. Though it might have been wise to go back, who knows!? Our fathers offer a covering that is crucial. And mother’s offer an encouragement and nurture that is essential. I'm not attacking our modern culture but I'm pointing out why the Bible doesn't show examples of grown singles crying their eyes out about their identity, purpose, destiny and unmet desires. We do see Hannah who does just that about barrenness. And truly it is exactly what we go through. We feel left out and mocked by the Peninnah’s (See 1 Samuel 1) or the Hagar's (See Genesis 16) in life and therefore feel completely inadequate, let alone desirable.
The more recent mental aerobics I had in this area were about destiny and purpose. I felt like I hit a wall and I couldn't do anything more in my life without my husband. I really believed my purpose was wrapped into that of my husbands so I felt stuck and useless without "wife" status. And if I'm being honest isn't it like a status these days? The truth however is that purpose is not wrapped into marriage but destiny is. I believe there are things I'm called to accomplish that I won't without my husband. And, I believe there are things I was meant to do before he came (like maybe I should have finished this and posted this beforehand). I chuckle slightly that I felt so stuck in my purpose and then God opened a door for me as a Singleton to move and travel the world and write and hold an incredible job that I enjoy. I am truly thankful for the time and experiences I had.
I used to honestly feel like the only thing left for me would be leftovers. I have a 'lovely' relative who won't be named that actually told me 'at my age' all that will be left for me are divorcees and I better snatch a man before more of those veins show up on my legs. Yeah, he's a gem - God bless him. But it hurt and cut so deeply because it screamed out loud that which I feared. That's not to put down divorcees at all. But it was a lie that God doesn't have the BEST saved for me. I was on the phone with my best friend talking about all of this and she said, "you're not leftovers and neither is he (your future husband). You are a fully developed woman who will be matched with a fully developed man." Queue water works. Wow, what a thought!
I have a personal promise that I hold onto; the best is yet to come. Things don't always look good now but they will Singletons. Marrieds, you might not sleep much and not because of great sex but because of what great sex created; and you might not be able to afford plane tickets for four but better is coming. There are gems in times of want and times of feast. The Best is yet to come. "What does that actually mean? Well I looked up ‘Best’ and it means, ‘that which is most excellent, most desirable, unrivaled, unsurpassed, unparalleled, matchless, incomparable, ideal, and perfect’ is coming for you!” Thank God for dear friends who wrote me notes like these when I didn't have sweet notes from anyone else...except my wonderful Mother...
We weren't made to be alone. I don't care what Paul said in the New Testament. If singleness were our gift then Genesis would be a lie. There are those who devote themselves to being single because they feel called. I won't argue. But, if you choose singleness because you've given up hope and believe that delay is rejection then I want to shake you awake because desire and hope are alive and real and delay is divine preparation not rejection. There is no age threshold to marriage. Sarah said 'should I be allowed this pleasure now that I'm old?' & God was like 'heaven yes!!' And she finally got pregnant and she did enjoy it and her son Isaac restored her youth through laughter. Don't give up Singletons. And don't forget Marrieds. Regardless of where you are, we all struggle with comparison, cultivating community, and still waiting on hopes deferred.
And Singles, just because some of our friends didn't experience as long as a wait as we did doesn't make them jerks or insensitive. Talk to them and let them help you keep your dreams alive. Fires need to be kindled and breathed upon.
And distractions, don't even get me started. Too late. It's not true that Singles have a carefree life. I mean maybe they have some perks like travel and sleep but it's a lie that Singletons have it easy or carefree. Yes it's true Singleton’s don't have spouses to consider or worry about. But it was a regular battle for me in the area of identity. I'll get back to Marrieds on this in a moment. But think about it. In high school we're a little too young for anything other than social status. If we don't meet someone in college which is the prime marriage pool it seems...if I do say so myself (same intellectual and social and spiritual interests) there is grace in our 20's but into our 30's we're either too picky or there is something wrong with us right? That is the thinking anyway. Why don't I meet anyone like they show on TV? Why don't people approach me? Should I go online? Do I need to lose weight? I want to do this thing but going alone is kinda pathetic. ..and what if (like me) you move across the country for your job? You have to work the social scene to make friends let alone find someone to hang out with on a Saturday night. Being a single adult is distracting.
But identity isn't a matter that is magically figured out in marriage. Spouses don't complete each other they compliment each other. If you're bored or lonely single you'll probably be bored and lonely in marriage. I've stood beside many dear friends as they've pledged their wedding vows and I've seen and heard much by keeping up with them still. And now I know for myself. Even though marriage is wonderful, marriage is not magical, it's hard work and sometimes it's thankless work, but it's always worth it and fun in the end. And isn't singleness the same really? I mean totally different but yet the same. It's hard work to encourage yourself in life when others can't in a season. But it's worth it and can even be fun!
Don't get me wrong...being a single adult is hard. If you are one you know what I mean and I hope you find comfort knowing I understand because I was there. If you're not one let this be an awakening to some potentially hurting people around you. Especially single parents - my heart goes out to you. No matter what season we are in it's a challenge to be simply satisfied and fully present. We all look around and look back and look forward. I'm simply saying, it's ok for things to be hard. But let's try to be a community that embraces each other the best way we can. Let's be honest with our hurts and needs but always keep our love on. That season was hard but the best was yet to come. I couldn’t let hope die on my watch. I might give in to impatience at times but I won't give in to defeat.
I am so thankful for the amazing friends God put in my life who talked me through many painful nights wondering how long the wait would be. They let me be me and I let them be them. Singletons may struggle with the waiting but marriage is not magic challenge killer. One of the most important things I've learned when I was a single adult in my 30's is that it's ok to admit when things are hard but it's imperative to be able to take our eyes off ourselves so we can celebrate with those that celebrate; because, what we celebrate God will multiply!
This blog may have started albeit bitterly in an attempt to encourage singles and communicate some needs of an unmentioned people group, but God turned it around and had me post it when I could share my hope fulfilled. I’m happily married to a wonderful man who encourages me and compliments my strengths, all while loving me through my weaknesses. He is most certainly not leftover - he was being saved for me. He is the kindest and strongest person I know. He was truly worth the wait!
So, Singletons please know there are some wonderful treasures in being single, but if we don’t mine them, we’ll have to try again in marriage, and that can be even more painful with two hearts on the line. If you haven’t found your identity in Christ and learned to affirm yourself in your identity before you get married, you’ll put a lot of unfair and unhealthy weights on your spouse. Spouses aren’t meant to replace God, they are meant to point us to the Divine One through intimacy. If you haven’t figured out how to cultivate community in your single years you will find the same struggles in marriage. Your spouse is not your social gateway drug. I’m thankful for the extra time I had to grow in these areas and be a whole person when I got married. Though, I still struggle with waiting from time to time;-)
And Marrieds, please be careful that you’re not holding back the joys of your marriage. There are some that only portray a ‘ball and chain’ sort of marriage, which doesn’t make it seem very attractive. We all know any relationship can have its challenges, but there are wonderful benefits to marriage that aren’t always that obvious - why not share those to encourage hope? Downplaying marriage doesn’t make the waiting of Singletons any easier. For the joy set before me...
I originally wrote this almost 3 years ago. To be honest, I wish I had posted it back then. To say, “I found love in a hopeless place” is an understatement. But somehow it feels important that I got this message out there now because hope deferred makes the heart sick but a promise fulfilled is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12). The waiting was the worst. But I promise, rather He promises, it is always worth it!
No comments:
Post a Comment