How you respond to someone's eagerness to meet you reveals a LOT about your sense of self worth! I won't lie; this experience recently came my way. Like a knee-jerk reaction I wanted to retort something smart like "I hope you're not disappointed" or "Don't get your hopes too high." And you know... maybe follow it with an emoticon (since we were writing) to distract from the dagger it would throw. (But at who?) Perfect place for a wink face or my personal favorite, the 'oh snap' face:-o. But, I actually stopped myself this time unlike countless other times in the past where rapid responses or short phrases exposed true perspective of myself under the thin veil of a joke. This time I instantly realized I was about to put myself down (yet again). What seemed funny in the past suddenly seemed serious. And for the first time it occurred to me that I would have demeaned this person who had genuine excitement and an opinion worth valuing.
I love how process is so personal. Mine won't look like yours and yours won't look like another's. The same is true with identity. The beauty of creation is intricacy and uniqueness paired with a powerful foundation of stability from a never-changing Artist who designed, fashioned, and formed us with Purpose in mind. For so long I didn't know who I was...or who I wanted to be. This resulted twofold; a rejection of whatever I perceived to reject me (even if ever so slightly) and an insatiable desire for someone to tell me who I was (or should be). See, I needed people to like me to like myself and I needed people to value me in order to value myself. Since people are people and no one can carry the weight of that need it left me frustrated, hurt, lost, and confused on a pretty regular basis. And so, when you don't know or like who you are you try to be someone else. And, of course you can't be someone else very well, so you'll attribute your worth based on a test you were never meant to take. It's kind of a crazy thought...it's like walking into the wrong classroom at test time, sitting down and taking the final, failing it and deciding you're an utter failure because you couldn't pass a test you never took the course for!!! The secret is that only God can tell you who you are and show you your value…only God, because he made you and knows you perfectly. As an engineer you’d think I would have learned this earlier; only the designer can define the design.
An incredibly wise and dear friend of mine wrote about this topic some time ago. I want to credit her instead of recreating the words. She captured the essential issue of false humility (a false understanding of identity) so well. You can read the full blog (When Insecurity Dies and Love Lives at http://heatherlundberg.blogspot.com/): "What happens when I am not continually choosing to view myself the way God does? What happens when I only see with my natural eyes but don't ask for heaven's perspective? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own emotions that we become really self-centered. A sense of false humility can form when we allow our thoughts to become more focused on our weaknesses, inability, and lack rather than Gods power, strength and faithfulness. It is not only painful for me when I think this way, but it hurts and robs those around me. When I am choosing to live in a place of insecurity rather than my true identity, it prevents me from loving people the way I was created to. I don't realize the value of my thoughts, words and actions and this can cost others a great deal. Insecurity is placing your identity in what you feel and what others think rather than what is true. True humility is having the right view of God and how he sees you, and living from that place."
A different friend asked me recently to break this down a bit...into something like '5 tips to reversing false humility habits' or '10 exercises for hearing God's ideas for your identity.' I can't satisfactorily attack that in one blog unfortunately. So I will start with one tip today....Say "thank you" instead of deflecting and therefore rejecting a compliment. Sounds simple but it’s powerful. I'm not talking about flattery- that's a whole other topic because flattery can be manipulative. But let's look at genuine compliments and call them beams of light into your true identity. When you’re directly told something about your true identity, receive it! (This isn't a blanket statement to receive everything, but since your true identity was made in the image of God, you can trust what you’re receiving when it aligns with what God says about you). It will take some time to learn what to receive and what to reject, but I believe the harder part is to receive what we don’t believe about our self…but if we trust who said it we can trust ‘it’ too. The goal is to stop rejecting ourselves and learn to realize the subtle ways we do it. The sad fact is that we reject ourselves by not allowing ourselves to step into the truth of our identity. In my own life, I had a really hard time when someone would compliment me, especially if they would tell me I'm beautiful. I was not even slightly subtle with dismissing that!! I would get so adamant that it wasn't true; so much so, that certain people stopped telling me because they didn't want to argue with me even though they still thought it (learned this through being confronted). The craziest thing is after being confronted about it one time in particular, I gritted my teeth and said 'thank you'. I literally stopped allowing myself to reject the statement 'Jeri you're beautiful'. I feel silly sharing this, but the most powerful thing started to happen over time as I continued to say ‘thank you’ to similar things....the most negative girl I'd ever known in the past (myself) started to see beauty in the mirror and started actually seeing what was being said. It's not that I needed people to say it so I could believe it...I needed to hear God's voice in it and actually receive it from Him before I could feel it! The key is that thanksgiving receives truth and attracts more. Rejection (in this context) is both offensive to yourself and the one whose opinion you're dismissing.
Sadly, I do this with God all too often. I know what His letters to me say. The Bible is very clear that I was made wonderfully, to be loved with an everlasting love, that I lack no good thing, that my mind is perfect, that there's a role in a vast adventure that only I can fill, and I could keep going... What if your love only ever gave you one love note...how long would you hold onto it and believe it before you started to doubt if he'd changed his mind? Would you even believe it at all? What if it were a whole book of love letters? What you believe about your identity determines your ability to receive love and give love.
The simple reality is we teach people how to treat us and a big part of that is how we treat ourselves...people will ultimately treat you the way you treat yourself. The same is true with how you view yourself. I think I failed to understand this far too long; to the point of unhealthy boundaries, a false sense of humility, and an irrational fear of confidence because I thought it only arrogant pride. I read on a facebook wall recently that it's the grace of God that humbles a man without degrading him and exalts a man without inflating him! I used to think humility was beating myself down (if I were really being honest), and never getting anywhere close to ‘exaltation.’ Wow, did I insult my maker or what!? And I’m done insulting people too. I’m obviously worth being excited to meet and loving, so I’m just going to receive it. You are too! :-)
I love how process is so personal. Mine won't look like yours and yours won't look like another's. The same is true with identity. The beauty of creation is intricacy and uniqueness paired with a powerful foundation of stability from a never-changing Artist who designed, fashioned, and formed us with Purpose in mind. For so long I didn't know who I was...or who I wanted to be. This resulted twofold; a rejection of whatever I perceived to reject me (even if ever so slightly) and an insatiable desire for someone to tell me who I was (or should be). See, I needed people to like me to like myself and I needed people to value me in order to value myself. Since people are people and no one can carry the weight of that need it left me frustrated, hurt, lost, and confused on a pretty regular basis. And so, when you don't know or like who you are you try to be someone else. And, of course you can't be someone else very well, so you'll attribute your worth based on a test you were never meant to take. It's kind of a crazy thought...it's like walking into the wrong classroom at test time, sitting down and taking the final, failing it and deciding you're an utter failure because you couldn't pass a test you never took the course for!!! The secret is that only God can tell you who you are and show you your value…only God, because he made you and knows you perfectly. As an engineer you’d think I would have learned this earlier; only the designer can define the design.
An incredibly wise and dear friend of mine wrote about this topic some time ago. I want to credit her instead of recreating the words. She captured the essential issue of false humility (a false understanding of identity) so well. You can read the full blog (When Insecurity Dies and Love Lives at http://heatherlundberg.blogspot.com/): "What happens when I am not continually choosing to view myself the way God does? What happens when I only see with my natural eyes but don't ask for heaven's perspective? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own emotions that we become really self-centered. A sense of false humility can form when we allow our thoughts to become more focused on our weaknesses, inability, and lack rather than Gods power, strength and faithfulness. It is not only painful for me when I think this way, but it hurts and robs those around me. When I am choosing to live in a place of insecurity rather than my true identity, it prevents me from loving people the way I was created to. I don't realize the value of my thoughts, words and actions and this can cost others a great deal. Insecurity is placing your identity in what you feel and what others think rather than what is true. True humility is having the right view of God and how he sees you, and living from that place."
A different friend asked me recently to break this down a bit...into something like '5 tips to reversing false humility habits' or '10 exercises for hearing God's ideas for your identity.' I can't satisfactorily attack that in one blog unfortunately. So I will start with one tip today....Say "thank you" instead of deflecting and therefore rejecting a compliment. Sounds simple but it’s powerful. I'm not talking about flattery- that's a whole other topic because flattery can be manipulative. But let's look at genuine compliments and call them beams of light into your true identity. When you’re directly told something about your true identity, receive it! (This isn't a blanket statement to receive everything, but since your true identity was made in the image of God, you can trust what you’re receiving when it aligns with what God says about you). It will take some time to learn what to receive and what to reject, but I believe the harder part is to receive what we don’t believe about our self…but if we trust who said it we can trust ‘it’ too. The goal is to stop rejecting ourselves and learn to realize the subtle ways we do it. The sad fact is that we reject ourselves by not allowing ourselves to step into the truth of our identity. In my own life, I had a really hard time when someone would compliment me, especially if they would tell me I'm beautiful. I was not even slightly subtle with dismissing that!! I would get so adamant that it wasn't true; so much so, that certain people stopped telling me because they didn't want to argue with me even though they still thought it (learned this through being confronted). The craziest thing is after being confronted about it one time in particular, I gritted my teeth and said 'thank you'. I literally stopped allowing myself to reject the statement 'Jeri you're beautiful'. I feel silly sharing this, but the most powerful thing started to happen over time as I continued to say ‘thank you’ to similar things....the most negative girl I'd ever known in the past (myself) started to see beauty in the mirror and started actually seeing what was being said. It's not that I needed people to say it so I could believe it...I needed to hear God's voice in it and actually receive it from Him before I could feel it! The key is that thanksgiving receives truth and attracts more. Rejection (in this context) is both offensive to yourself and the one whose opinion you're dismissing.
Sadly, I do this with God all too often. I know what His letters to me say. The Bible is very clear that I was made wonderfully, to be loved with an everlasting love, that I lack no good thing, that my mind is perfect, that there's a role in a vast adventure that only I can fill, and I could keep going... What if your love only ever gave you one love note...how long would you hold onto it and believe it before you started to doubt if he'd changed his mind? Would you even believe it at all? What if it were a whole book of love letters? What you believe about your identity determines your ability to receive love and give love.
The simple reality is we teach people how to treat us and a big part of that is how we treat ourselves...people will ultimately treat you the way you treat yourself. The same is true with how you view yourself. I think I failed to understand this far too long; to the point of unhealthy boundaries, a false sense of humility, and an irrational fear of confidence because I thought it only arrogant pride. I read on a facebook wall recently that it's the grace of God that humbles a man without degrading him and exalts a man without inflating him! I used to think humility was beating myself down (if I were really being honest), and never getting anywhere close to ‘exaltation.’ Wow, did I insult my maker or what!? And I’m done insulting people too. I’m obviously worth being excited to meet and loving, so I’m just going to receive it. You are too! :-)
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